Hoard of the Dragon Queen

Dwarven Tinder

Swipe Right, Pablo Escobar

[The adventures accompaniment played by Durlen Silverhand] https://www.youtube.com/embed/2BTVvX57_WA

Morning has arrived and Harbek finds himself approaching some caves, exactly how much he drank last night is unclear, but he does not remember breaking camp.

As we approached the caves some of the party spot a lone figure sleeping amongst 3 dead trolls. As they get closer they discover it is a Dwarven Paladin who looks lonely. Turns out he is also looking for Darren in the Purple Torana. Harbek thinks it would be a great to have another healer, this one seems to actually be interested in his profession. He spins some bullshit for a while, blah, blah, backstory, blah, Cosplay, blah, blah, think he might have chain mail underpants on. Everyone meet Escobar, hence forth known as Pablo.

Two Dragon statues talk to us and offers us two choices, knowledge or wisdom. Some idiot (Death stare at Pablo) abuses them and they go back to sleep.

Into the caves seems like the most likely place for the next plot point, so they head in without a single thought to their safety and preparation. We quickly walk through some Luna Park Clown heads, who had some sort of riddle that we completely ignored and moved onward.

Entering the next room our new friend Pablo, pokes a mosaic, typical Paladin always trying to poke things in the toilet block. From within the mosaic a Chimera emerges, which is some sort of radioactive mutation of a freak. Man this shit is starting to get weird. Reminds me of a joke.

A dragon, a lion and a goat walk into a bar. The dragon drinks too much and wakes up naked with a Lion and a Goat.

Ok so it wasn’t a good joke. But it wasn’t a good fight either and soon the party was ready to move on.

Seeing a door with “Safe” scrawled on it in chalk, the party assumes this is where all the loot for this entire adventure is stored as we certainly have not seen it. At some point we learn that the bard is a very fat bastard, at 330lbs we are surprised that he has any breath to blow in his pan flute.

Disappointingly entering the room they find a well and a toilet/basin. Harbek takes a shit in the well. Augustus draws some water from the well and freshens up in the basin, noticing that the water is slightly brackish.

After carefully checking the double doors leading from this room, it appears that something very big has been bashing on the door. The party heads off down another passage. Brave, brave Sir Robin, not.

The paladin uses his feet to detect traps and soon finds one, good work Pablo. Everyone in the corridor saves as a large boner fills the passage, except for Perren. Perrin instead rides the boner down the corridor and collapses in ecstasy. He begins his death rolls, as the paladin sprints to his aid. Harbek casually saunters down to the accident scene and finds a less than chipper warlock. However the Paladin seems to have saved him for imminent death. (Sorry he is new and didn’t see the DNR tattoo on your chest)

Harbek then heals the party to full health, again. Get some potions will you.

Seeing some sarcophagus’s or is that Sarcophagi, lining the room, Durex the Bard decides to interfere with the dead. This is just like the time they caught him with that cadaver in his bed, or was that a side of beef?

All the Sarcophagi blow open and 6 yummy mummies emerge, no correction they are old, haggard mummies, and they want me to donate to charity again. Harbek casts Turn Undead when he eventually gets a turn, and it is game over. Good work Harbek, you are awesome.

Into the next room we find a large humanoid in a purple toga on the throne, Fat Bard flees through a door, leaving the rest of the party to wipe the giants bottom. Maybe this is the elusive Darren, I am sure it was a Purple Torana, but maybe they meant purple toga. 1.5 rounds and he is down, so I am guessing that this is not Darren as he must be a boss, and this was definitely not a boss fight.

Harbek climbs up on the throne and takes a shit.

Pablo drains another cup of never-ending story. Fat Bard turns up looking for some healing, and attempts to barricade the door he just came through. He breathlessly whispers, “Bearded Hipsters.”

We find some ghoul guarding nothing, she cries like a baby when we point out the room is empty. But she does let us know of a pool where we will need to sacrifice a Staff of Fire, to go any further.

And that is it for this weeks adventure join our brave adventurers again in two weeks when we will take on 10 bearded hipsters. The plan is to distract them with Apple products and scald them with single origin pour over coffee.

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Coweater Rexd666

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